infjoy

Well, not that many.  But I cried for over an hour after my dress fittings today.  Trying to get an early jump on the wedding gown frenzy, I took my friend Jenna with me to Alfred Angelo.  Literally, I tried on at least 12 dresses, probably closer to 15.

I’ve heard it’s supposed to be exciting and exilherating when you find “the one”.  For every dress I tried on, all I could think was “I’m fat. I’m fat. I’m effing huge. I’m fat.”  I cried a little more after I realized my measurements- 37 - 30 - 45.  Yikes, that’s a big booty.  Um…. yeah, I got nothing.  Also proves why I have such a hard time finding bras that fit- I’m a half-size! Argh!

Today is Sunday.  After my little bf last night, my fiance calmed me down, graciously looked at my dress fitting pictures, insisted I did not look fat at all, and promised to help more with the wedding planning.

Part of my problem, I have acknowledged, is a lack of energy.  I usually work 10 hours per day, minimum, in addition to being mommy & driving almost 2 hours per day to get Parker to & from school.  Matt (fiance) has been wonderful in doing laundry, cleaning the house and usually has dinner cooked & ready by the time we get home.  But I have such absolute mental and physical fatigue by the end of the day.

Matt brought me some of the five-hour energy shots.  I did as directed, took half, then took the rest about 2 hours later when I needed the boost to work out.  It definitely worked.  I had the energy to work out in the garage with the punching bag, dumbells, leg-weights and jump rope.  Whew!

Next step is…. I’m trying Alli.  I’m 5′4″, weighing 168 lbs.  I’m overweight, I need to face it, I need help doing something to resolve it.  I’m not looking to be 36 24 36, but 37 30 45 ain’t doin it for me anymore.

The ultimate goal- lose up to 30 lbs, or at least slim down my hips to a 40 or 39 and/or drop 3 dress sizes (from a 14 to an 8 or so).

Bring it on, world, bring it on.  I think I’m ready

I don’t know what else to do.  I feel like I’m spiraling out of control on my weight.

I can’t understand why or how I’ve gained so much over less than a year.  Nothing has changed in my routine, my diet or my (lack of) exercise.  But ever since I turned 27 in November of last year, I’ve gained over 30 pounds.  I weigh more now than I did pregnant with my son.

It’s making me absolutely miserable.  I lack the discipline to go to the gym- I just don’t have the willpower.  Being fat has made me more weak and tired, so I never want to do anything.  That makes me more depressed, and the cycle keeps churning.

I’m going to try a no-meat diet next (and yes, I will eat peanut butter and take vitamins & iron pills to combat anemia, which I’ve had since before I had my kid).  But I eat a lot of meats and cheeses normally, which needs to stop.

The next step is to see a doctor.  I HATE admitting that I have a problem to begin with, and asking for help is completely foreign to me.  But I can only assume SOMETHING is the catalyst behind my sudden weight gain, I just need to figure out what.

I should be happy- I got a promotion, making great money, engaged to a wonderful man, but I’m miserable trapped inside my own body.   It may seem shallow, but I can’t be happy at this weight.  I’m not happy with myself.

Any help or advice would be appreciated.  Anyone experienced the same or similar problem?

Ugh.  I’m back.  Still fat.  Yep, used the f-word.  Not feeling too good about myself right now, but we’ll get to that later.

I was promoted & received a raise at work.  Yay!  In addition to my new responsibilities I have become the ultimate breadwinner in the household, which is fine by me, as I have an awesome boyfriend who cooks, cleans, shops, and best of all, empties the litter box and garbage.  *sigh* I love him.

In not so good news, I fell off the wagon as far as working out.  My back injury put me out for a while, and has continued to persist.  I spent several weekends stripping, sanding, and restoring furniture for our room, which I guess I used as an excuse not to go to the gym.  (It’s Florida- you walk outside, you sweat.)  Baaaaaaad joy.

In good news, the furniture is now done, and I’ve realized something valuable.  I hate working out.  The thought of going to the gym physically nauseates me.

HOWEVER….

I loooooove to dance.  Swing & ballroom, mostly.  There used to be a place around the corner that had dance every week, but it’s gone now.  I’ve been scouring the city ever since.  Hopefully have found a few new places to go.  Dragging the bf with me tomorrow.  I think dance is something I could really be committed to, even if it’s just socially.  When I was in high school and college, dancing on a regular basis, I weighed 115 lbs & had rock hard abs.  Now… not so much.

In other bad news, I have to have surgery on both of my feet.  Fun!  I have bunions AND what are called tailors bunions, on the pinky toe instead of the big toe.  It’s hereditary, and my whole family has them to varying degrees.  Went to the podiatrist, he took xrays- basically there should be about 8 degrees of seperation between the fourth & fifth metatarsals, the bones that hold your pinky toe & the one next to it.  I have about 30 degrees on each foot and bones that are growing curved.  Yuck.

Luckily, that won’t happen until January or later, and not on both feet at the same time.  I’m not scheduling surgery before the holidays, that would just suck.  And I do still have my cruise to look forward to, whoo hoo!

My bf has been amazingly patient and understanding with me, even when I’m irrational and force him to leave public places with me because I become instantaneously self-conscious and anxious.  I have a bit of public anxiety, and I can’t explain it really.  But today I caught a glimpse of myself, accidently, in the mirror in the shoe department at walmart, and all I wanted to do was go home & hide under the covers.  Which is exactly what I did.

Which brings me to the beginning- not happy with myself.  I want to lose weight, but I lack the driving force and consistent commitment to do so.  I’m not giving up, I’m just stuck and don’t know where to go from here.

Sorry for being so absent on the site lately, I’ve just had a lot going on in my head.

Ok, so I’m prolly pms-ing, but I’ve got a whole day of chasing my rugrat around @ my sister’s pool party before he goes back to school tomorrow, and I just simply did NOT want to go to the gym this morning.  I went Sunday, Tuesday & Thursday of last week, plus ran around all day Friday and walked the Town Center yesterday.  I’m beat!

I’m also majorly discouraged.  Again, I’m trying to attribute this to water-weight from my monthly pain-in-the-ass visitor, but I keep bouncing back & forth between 156lbs & 160lbs.  I can’t break out of this cycle… what am I doing wrong?  I excercise more, I eat LESS, even tho I’m still hungry.  I eat heathier, snack healthy, take multi-vitamins.  I have to pay for the remaining half of the cruise in 2 weeks, plus just got hit with a $500 electric bill.  Add on to that trying to re-establish my credit & remove erroneous records off my report… fighting about five uphill battles at once and losing all of them.

So today when the bf asked “are you going to the gym?”  I didn’t say yes.  I didn’t say no.  I simply said “I really don’t feel like it.  I went 3 times last week.”  He looked me up & down and said “You really should.”

Granted, I don’t think he meant it that way, but I certainly took it as “WHALE OFF THE STARBOARD BOW!  TAKE EVASIVE ACTION!”  Again, prolly my monthly pre-cycle talking.  But it hurt.  I’m trying so hard, and nothing seems to be working.  Even my bf thinks I’m fat.

I know I should turn this into positive motivation and work extra hard at the gym today, but I just can’t.  I’m going, begrudgingly, but I’m so discouraged now.

Any tips on anything I need to do to lose this weight?  I really need help & I can’t do it anymore…

*sigh* after a crazy hectic weekend, which did include physical activity (swimming with my bf & son for about 3 hours each on Sat & Sun, and dancing on the bar at Harmonious Monks on Sat night- don’t ask, they encourage people to) - I REALLY wanted to go work out on Monday…

As I’m getting ready to leave, the mother of all storms hits J-ville, and I actually WITNESS lightning strike the ground across the street.  My son is in his room cuddled up with his blanket- have to admit, one crack of thunder followed so close to the lightning and was so loud that I jumped (yelped, is more like it).

I waited for the storm to ease up a bit, got my son & bf situated with a board game & went out thru the garage.  As I’m backing out of the driveway, the power goes out.  The garage door won’t close, and it’s getting rain inside.  I put the car in park, go back inside & start setting up candles and flashlights (it was still pretty light out).  The bf asks if I’m still going to the gym, which is a good 5 miles away.  Since I assumed the street lights were also out & I am freaked out driving in bad storms, I decided against it & did what exercise I could at home.

Yesterday, I fell over a chair in my living room and completely wrenched my neck.  Not just “a bad twist”- took a Valium & 2 pain pills and NOTHING.  I worked half the day, came home (the bf actually took off of work to come take care of me, love him to death)- and lay on the heating pad the rest of the day.  Today it’s still killing me, so no gym, but I’m trying to do what little exercise I can without risking further injury.

So that’s been the past few days… got a new phone, yay, and had an awesome time this weekend with some great friends.  Looking forward to the next as well.  My bf & my kid keep me positive, even tho my last blog was all BLAH.  I’m looking forward to getting better, kicking this weight, and feeling good about myself again.

Have a good week, everyone!  Just want to say I love all of you buddies here and I think you’re ALL BEAUTIFUL!!!

So, in the last week, I managed to put all the weight back on… guess it was just a fluke.  Back up @ around 162 again.  At first I attributed the weight re-gain to TOM, but that hasn’t shown up, so that can’t be it.

Guess I should just get used to buying bigger clothes and hating the mirror.

This whole month has been nothing but frustration.  My job, my family, my weight, my eating… nothing has come easily at all, and it’s getting really gd old.

Just another fail.  I’m horribly inconsistent, and even when everything is on the line I can’t seem to follow through. Even when I follow through it doesn’t seem to work.  Which leads to even more frustration.

Went to dinner with some friends last night… also wanted to cry when I saw the pics today.  I had a really good time, but compared to the other girls there, some of whom have had 3+ kids, I look like a whale.  Maybe I should stop hanging out with skinny bitches.

I don’t even feel like going out to the gym now… I know I should, but a bigger part of me is asking “why?”  What’s the point?  I’ve watched my calories, I’ve worked out almost every day, either at the gym or in the pool, and nothing seems to be working, consistently.

‘m really beginning to think I may have an image disorder.  Not an EATING disorder, I eat just fine.  But I simply am incapable of looking in the mirror and liking what I see.  Even when I was at a much lower weight I avoided the pool and being in public without a freakin sweater because I hated any part of me showing for all to be able to judge.

My mother has anxiety attacks sometimes, I fear I may as well.  Even though I KNOW in certain situations no one could give a crap who I was or what I was wearing or what I looked like, I get this overwhelming fear and anxiety that suddenly everyone is staring at me, and judging me, and hating me.  I’ve had to leave places and go straight home, crawl into bed and just hide for a while.  I fear that is coming back.

Over the past few years, though it’s taken me a while to realize it, I haven’t been hit on.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a great bf & am extremely happy, but it’s reassuring when someone ELSE notices.  But I cannot remember the last time that was.  I get “thank you ma’am” and “you must be a mom”.  Not that I ever turned heads or snapped necks, but I at least got noticed, esp if I was dressed up.  Now… nothing.

I’m bitching… I think I’m done… prolly not, though.

One begets the other & vice versa… sadly, unable to work out today from throwing my back out doing…. housework.  Not something fun, just cleaning.  Bleh.

P.S.- I hate shark week. (and PRE-shark week)  My scale tells me I’ve put ALL the weight back on in the past 2 days (though diet & exercise have not changed, apparently I retain water like a freakin camel).  I’m not buying it- YOU WILL NOT OWN ME, EVIL LYING BATHROOM DWELLING WEIGHT DEMON!!!

I’m grouchy.  Good thing the bf is understanding.   Since I’ll be swimming most of the day tomorrow and have an evening of fun with friends planned, hopefully I’ll be out of this funk & ready to throw down @ karaoke - did Violent Femmes last night, rocked it out.

Trying to be patient is the hardest thing I am having to do right now… I’m the kind of person who wants INSTANT results, and when I have to work at something for a LONG time, I get easily frustrated and discouraged.  That’s why I’m here, to try & stick with it & “stay the course”.  Only 3.5 months til cruise time, I gotta get my butt in serious gear- once I can stand up straight again. *sigh*