infjoy

*sigh* after a crazy hectic weekend, which did include physical activity (swimming with my bf & son for about 3 hours each on Sat & Sun, and dancing on the bar at Harmonious Monks on Sat night- don’t ask, they encourage people to) - I REALLY wanted to go work out on Monday…

As I’m getting ready to leave, the mother of all storms hits J-ville, and I actually WITNESS lightning strike the ground across the street.  My son is in his room cuddled up with his blanket- have to admit, one crack of thunder followed so close to the lightning and was so loud that I jumped (yelped, is more like it).

I waited for the storm to ease up a bit, got my son & bf situated with a board game & went out thru the garage.  As I’m backing out of the driveway, the power goes out.  The garage door won’t close, and it’s getting rain inside.  I put the car in park, go back inside & start setting up candles and flashlights (it was still pretty light out).  The bf asks if I’m still going to the gym, which is a good 5 miles away.  Since I assumed the street lights were also out & I am freaked out driving in bad storms, I decided against it & did what exercise I could at home.

Yesterday, I fell over a chair in my living room and completely wrenched my neck.  Not just “a bad twist”- took a Valium & 2 pain pills and NOTHING.  I worked half the day, came home (the bf actually took off of work to come take care of me, love him to death)- and lay on the heating pad the rest of the day.  Today it’s still killing me, so no gym, but I’m trying to do what little exercise I can without risking further injury.

So that’s been the past few days… got a new phone, yay, and had an awesome time this weekend with some great friends.  Looking forward to the next as well.  My bf & my kid keep me positive, even tho my last blog was all BLAH.  I’m looking forward to getting better, kicking this weight, and feeling good about myself again.

Have a good week, everyone!  Just want to say I love all of you buddies here and I think you’re ALL BEAUTIFUL!!!

So, in the last week, I managed to put all the weight back on… guess it was just a fluke.  Back up @ around 162 again.  At first I attributed the weight re-gain to TOM, but that hasn’t shown up, so that can’t be it.

Guess I should just get used to buying bigger clothes and hating the mirror.

This whole month has been nothing but frustration.  My job, my family, my weight, my eating… nothing has come easily at all, and it’s getting really gd old.

Just another fail.  I’m horribly inconsistent, and even when everything is on the line I can’t seem to follow through. Even when I follow through it doesn’t seem to work.  Which leads to even more frustration.

Went to dinner with some friends last night… also wanted to cry when I saw the pics today.  I had a really good time, but compared to the other girls there, some of whom have had 3+ kids, I look like a whale.  Maybe I should stop hanging out with skinny bitches.

I don’t even feel like going out to the gym now… I know I should, but a bigger part of me is asking “why?”  What’s the point?  I’ve watched my calories, I’ve worked out almost every day, either at the gym or in the pool, and nothing seems to be working, consistently.

‘m really beginning to think I may have an image disorder.  Not an EATING disorder, I eat just fine.  But I simply am incapable of looking in the mirror and liking what I see.  Even when I was at a much lower weight I avoided the pool and being in public without a freakin sweater because I hated any part of me showing for all to be able to judge.

My mother has anxiety attacks sometimes, I fear I may as well.  Even though I KNOW in certain situations no one could give a crap who I was or what I was wearing or what I looked like, I get this overwhelming fear and anxiety that suddenly everyone is staring at me, and judging me, and hating me.  I’ve had to leave places and go straight home, crawl into bed and just hide for a while.  I fear that is coming back.

Over the past few years, though it’s taken me a while to realize it, I haven’t been hit on.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a great bf & am extremely happy, but it’s reassuring when someone ELSE notices.  But I cannot remember the last time that was.  I get “thank you ma’am” and “you must be a mom”.  Not that I ever turned heads or snapped necks, but I at least got noticed, esp if I was dressed up.  Now… nothing.

I’m bitching… I think I’m done… prolly not, though.

One begets the other & vice versa… sadly, unable to work out today from throwing my back out doing…. housework.  Not something fun, just cleaning.  Bleh.

P.S.- I hate shark week. (and PRE-shark week)  My scale tells me I’ve put ALL the weight back on in the past 2 days (though diet & exercise have not changed, apparently I retain water like a freakin camel).  I’m not buying it- YOU WILL NOT OWN ME, EVIL LYING BATHROOM DWELLING WEIGHT DEMON!!!

I’m grouchy.  Good thing the bf is understanding.   Since I’ll be swimming most of the day tomorrow and have an evening of fun with friends planned, hopefully I’ll be out of this funk & ready to throw down @ karaoke - did Violent Femmes last night, rocked it out.

Trying to be patient is the hardest thing I am having to do right now… I’m the kind of person who wants INSTANT results, and when I have to work at something for a LONG time, I get easily frustrated and discouraged.  That’s why I’m here, to try & stick with it & “stay the course”.  Only 3.5 months til cruise time, I gotta get my butt in serious gear- once I can stand up straight again. *sigh*

About four weeks ago I came down with bronchitis.  No big deal, had it before, and have always had trouble with my lungs.  But it’s just annoying now.  Four straight weeks of coughing, and I talk on the phone for a living!

It won’t go away, despite antibiotics, guiafinesen, and an inhaler.  It’s impeding my workouts, as I have a harder time breathing (read: wheezing) when really pushing myself.  And I usually have a severe coughing fit once I leave the gym.  I swear my abdominals are getting more of a workout from coughing than crunches.

Anywho, if anyone knows of anything ELSE that may help get rid of this stupid thing, it would be greatly appreciated.  There’s times I WANT to workout more, but can’t cause I have to stop to catch my breath.

In other news, I think I’ve mini-plateaued, but I’m okay with it.  Just gotta keep on keeping on, I’ll get there.  I’m only about 10 pounds away from my mini-goal, which puts me into a “average” or healthy BMI once again.  I’ve always had a little more muscle on me, so I’m not expecting to one day turn into a rail, but I’ll live with being healthy (literally).

Hope everyone is having a FABULOUS weekend!

Motivational quote of the day: “Get busy living, or get busy dying.”

Apparently, my cats want me to lose weight in an entirely unhealthy way.  I have three (no, I’m not crazy cat lady… there’s three people and three cats, it’s balanced)

One of them decided to hack right in front of me, several times, right after I ate lunch today.  Having the stomach tensile strength of a wet noodle, I too proceeded to run to the bathroom and  hack.  My entire lunch, gone.  It wasn’t nearly as good coming back up.

Now I’m hungry again.  I really hate the cats sometimes…

***PS- this is a humorous, tongue-in-cheek anecdote.  I do not endorse, condone or practice bulimia.  I do have a sense of humor, and think it’s great to laugh at yourself every once in a while. ;P ***

Seriously.  No, I’m not on a fad diet.  No, I’m not starving myself.  The only things I’ve changed are my calorie-monitoring and I’m going to the gym 3 times a week at least.

Is it hard work?  Absolutely, especially on those days I’d rather stay home with a good book and have to FORCE myself to go.  Is it paying off?  You bet your sweet ass it is.

What really helps is having support.  Support here through all you guys, and at home.  MY bf told me I was his inspiration.  That blew my mind.  I’m totally going to be ready for my cruise by November and am so excited to be able to go buy a new bathing suit soon!

Good luck to everyone with their plans out there- stick to it, keep pushing, and have an awesome weekend!!!

I’m MOVIN ON DOWN!  Lol.  Couldn’t believe it when I hopped on the scale THREE different times today and read 158.  It’s really happening, and I’m so stoked!

Even the bf is motivated - he’s been playing racquetball and running most nights.  We’re both about 20 pounds outside our ideal weight, so we’re taking this journey together.  Which is good cause I’m the one who goes grocery shopping & have stopped buying junk & REALLY watch the calories.

Even my son is in on the deal, tho he may not realize it.  Instead of the sugar-filled Fruit Gushers or Fruit Roll-Ups, I found these Florida Natural fruit nuggets and strips.  Natural sugar, and about HALF of what’s in the other brands- and he LOVES them.

I even MISSED going to the gym last night, but I’ll be there in full force tonight after work, bring it on!

*** evening update ***

Only got to work out for about 45 minutes today (sad face)- the annoying, continual bronchitis that kept me away from the gym for 2 weeks refuses to let go, despite being on antibiotics, guiafinesin (sp?), mucinex, and using an inhaler.  Ugh.  At least I worked up a sweat!  And I ate less carbs today than I have in a LONG time!  Buddyslim is my new home page & I am loving the lifestyle change!  Only 4 months til my CRUISE to the BAHAMAS, and I will be sunning on the deck in style! *when I’m not in the casino or doing karaoke, of course!*

Inspiration for today: “People dictate their own behavior.” - Randall Graves

Ugh.  What a day.  Swimming for an hour this morning w/ my kid, then out to lunch, the museum… I think I sweat off 5 lbs today just driving around (it’s hot in Florida).  But the scale denies that. :/

Went to lunch at Burger King.  Resisted the urge to get the double bacon cheeseburger I usually devour and contented myself with a plain cheeseburger, for 380 cals (the salads were MORE).  And only stole a FEW fries from the boy, lol.

Doing fairly well with snacking, limiting myself to the hunger satisfaction drinks from crystal light or the special k crackers or protein bars.  They work pretty well.

Also resisted the urge to splurge on hummus & pita with my lamb & cous cous this evening.  If I can finish out the day under 1500 cals, I know I’ll feel soooo much better!  Also heading off to the gym following dinner, 3rd time in 4 days, whoo hoo!

Willpower is HARD.  Mainly because its SO easy to cave into cravings.

As Americans, we’ve been conditioned for YEARS to overeat.  Why have ONE helping when you can SUPERSIZE it, for only $0.50 more?  You don’t need a 12 oz. can of soda, you need a 44 oz. BIG GULP of sugar-packed SURGE or VAULT.

Every nutrition label on nearly EVERY food item can be misleading.  Crystal Light advertises that their powder drink mixes are only 5 calories… per serving.  Technically, there are two servings in every pouch.  So, if you’re like me and you open a 16.9 oz bottle of water, take a sip, and pour the whole thing in and drink it while being bored at work- congratulations, that’s actually 10 calories you just devoured.  Not that that’s a BAD thing, just misleading.

This became very apparent today when I was preparing my cereal.  Even Special K- BEWARE!  One serving, equal to 110 calories, is actually only 3/4 of a cup!  I measured it out, looked at the paltry pile in the deep bowl and thought “well, THAT’S not very much!” I’d been accustomed to opening the box and pouring til I thought it was enough.  In retrospect, I used to throw away almost half of the bowl, uneaten.

Then something astonishing happened.  I ate breakfast, and I was full.  I had my bowl of cereal, with milk, and I didn’t want more.

Bottom line here is this- is it the food companies fault for being misleading?  Maybe, but only to an extent.  I believe whole-heartedly in self-reliance and accountability.  Reading the fine print is something most people simply will not take the time to do, and we should.  We can’t expect anyone to do it for us, even in this case, because the “facts” can be misconstrued.

I’ll be watching my caloric intake very carefully from now on.  It’s up to me to change who I am and how I feel about myself, and I can’t expect anyone else to do it for me.

“Noah was a drunk, look what he accomplished.  And no one’s asking you to build an ark.”

After a mini-meltdown the other night when I realized I weigh more NOW (163 lbs) than when I was pregnant with my son seven years ago (160 lbs), I’ve decided it’s past time to take action.  Some people don’t think that’s a whole lot, but I’m only 5′4″, and that’s pushing it.  I want my pre-baby weight of 125, but I’d be comfortable at 130.  I’m a realist.

I want to feel comfortable in a bathing suit again, especially since my bf & I have a cruise to the Bahamas in November.  I want smaller thighs, a smaller butt, a flatter stomach, and toned arms.  I want to fit into the proverbial “skinny jeans” that are wasting space in my closet right now.  Most importantly, I DONT want to end up like most of the women in my family, who are overweight.

My game plan includes a LOT more physical activity, as I sit at a desk for 8 hours a day at work.  I’ve already got the gym membership, check.  The bf has agreed to help & watch the kid so I can go at least 3 nights a week.  My workouts include free weights and cardio, mostly the bike or elliptical, as I abhor the treadmill.

My other issue is probably food.  I just have a hard time when I’m on the spot deciding on healthy alternatives.  For one, I’m Italian, I was raised on pasta and cheese.   Two, I can’t stand bland, pre-packaged “health” food, so I have to try to minimize my portions of decent, good-tasting food.  I’ve already limited my intake of soda and alcohol (empty calories, so I’m told) and switched to water & crystal light as my drinks of choice.  Hopefully here the exercise will help burn off the fat as well.

I’ve tried Slim-Fast, SlimQuick, and a natural grapefruit supplement, to no avail.  A friend introduced me to Alli, which I’m willing to give a shot, despite the listed warning of “oily spotting”, which is only mildly terrifying.  Basically, I just need help.  At this point, exercise alone won’t do the trick.

So, I’m off.  Thirty pounds in 4 months.  I think it can be done, with vigilance.  We’ll see…